If Love Be Love Page 10

  ‘Nancy, I’ve caught a fish! Quick ... quick! Come and take it off the hook,’ demanded Neil, who had not yet mastered the technique of removing the hook from the mouth of the fish.

  She went to the bow of the boat and gently unhooked the small codling he had caught.

  ‘Is it enough for breakfast for Uncle and me?’ he asked. ‘Or shall I catch another?’

  Nancy suggested that he should catch another and together they baited the hook once more and he let the line over the side.

  She looked round at the islands, the sea and the mountains. It was such a lovely place and she had been fortunate to see it in summer time. What would it be like in winter? Nancy shrugged and made her way back to the cockpit. Why should she care? By the time winter came she would be settled in Dulthorpe as Mrs. Rod Ellis.

  She put her hand in the pocket of her jeans and pulled out the letter she had received the previous day from Rod, and which she had brought with her to re-read.

  He had decided to take ten days of his annual three weeks’ annual holiday to visit her at Lanmore. There was a lot for them to discuss. He had been to look at a new house in a suburb of Dulthorpe. The house was next to the one bought by the Unwins—Nancy would remember them, a nice couple who would make good neighbours. Anyway, they would talk about it when he arrived in Lanmore.

  There was no word of love in the letter and no suggestion that he was missing her. It seemed as if he had chosen the house where they were going to live after they were married without her seeing it. He had everything planned, and she should feel pleased. But she didn’t.

  There was a disturbance in the water near the boat. A head surfaced and then a smooth black figure wearing a weighted belt and carrying two air tanks on its back appeared. Nancy knew it was Logan because he was not as tall as Don. He sat on the side deck, pushed the mask up and began to unshackle the harness which held the two tanks on to his back.

  Forgetting her letter which fell into the cockpit, she went to help him.

  ‘Where are the others?’ she asked.

  ‘Trying to catch a lobster. I doubt if they will. It looked old and wily to me. I feel thirsty. Is there any beer?’ he said.

  While he removed the flippers from his feet she went below into the cabin for a can of beer. When she returned to the cockpit he was sitting in it. He had removed the black hood from his head and his hair was tousled. The top part of his wet suit was unzipped to the waist to reveal his bare thickly muscled chest. In his hand he held the envelope which contained her letter.

  ‘A love-letter?’ he queried. ‘Judging by the postmark it’s from your intended.’

  She almost snatched the letter from him as she handed him the beer.

  ‘Yes, it is. He’s coming to stay with us at the end of next week.’

  He drank some beer and stared silently across the water at the island, apparently wholly uninterested in her reply. Deciding he was in an unapproachable mood. Nancy stood up, intending to go and see Neil. At once her hand was caught and held.

  ‘Don’t go,’ he commanded.

  As usual she over-reacted to his touch and shivered. As usual he noticed and dropped her hand immediately.

  ‘Will you go back to Dulthorpe with him when his stay here is over?’ he asked.

  ‘I might. Although I had intended to stay until the end of August. Rod has found a house he likes, so I might go back to see it.’

  ‘He must be very sure of you if he’s decided already where you should live.’

  ‘Why shouldn’t he be sure? I promised to marry him.’

  ‘Do you always keep your promises?’

  ‘I try.’

  He took hold of her left hand. By sheer effort of will she controlled her reaction and didn’t allow herself to shiver. He inspected it and then released it.

  ‘He can’t be sure of himself, though,’ he murmured thoughtfully. ‘He didn’t give you a ring.’

  ‘That was something we decided we could do without. After all, an engagement ring is an old-fashioned idea, and an unnecessary expense,’ replied Nancy coolly, hiding her surprise at his comments. Logan was not usually so personal.

  ‘I don’t think it is,’ he disagreed. ‘If I asked a girl to marry me I’d want to make sure she was wearing my mark, to remind her when she was far away that she had promised to be mine.’

  His possessive attitude surprised her. Possessiveness was one quality she had not attributed to him.

  ‘But then the question will never arise, because you prefer a way of life which excludes women,’ she taunted dryly, feeling that she must get her own back for his implied criticism of Rod.

  He raised his eyebrows.

  ‘When did I say that?’

  ‘The day we first met you, at Housesteads.’

  ‘I remember. I was in a sour mood that day ... with good reason.’ He made no further explanation, finished his beer, put down the can and stood up.

  ‘Here are the others. I’ll go below and change,’ he said, then added with a faint smile, ‘You must make sure your intended sees all he can while he’s here. The Games will be on in Portree. They’re worth a visit. The end of August. Summer will be almost over then, although we often get good weather in September. Will spring begin in Dulthorpe, I wonder, when you go back there?’

  He swung down the companionway leaving her to stare after him and to ponder on his strange comment.

  When they landed at Lanmore Logan surprised them all by inviting them to the Lodge to have dinner with him. Usually after the Saturday outing in Vagabond the Allans returned to the croft after having made arrangements to meet him again the next day if the weather was fine.

  Ignoring an inclination to refuse, giving in to Linda’s and Neil’s enthusiasm for the idea, Nancy accepted and the Allans returned to the cottage to change their clothes.

  It was a pleasant meal and Logan was an exemplary host. Neil enjoyed the whole affair thoroughly, but eventually his head drooped and after extracting a promise from Nancy that she would put him to bed and read a story to him he went up the stairs with her quite happily.

  She read one of Edward Ardizzone’s stories about Tim which Logan had bought for him. It was fairly long and she had to finish it, because Neil was a stickler for hearing a story in one reading. She had reached the last page when the door opened and Logan entered the room. He waited quietly until she had finished reading.

  ‘Time you were asleep, Neil,’ he ordered. ‘Nancy has done quite enough for you for one day.’

  ‘Nancy’s kind. I love her,’ said the boy, and flinging his arms around Nancy’s neck he kissed her. ‘Now you kiss me,’ he demanded.

  Laughing at his peremptoriness, Nancy kissed him. ‘Goodnight, Neil. Sleep well.’

  He beamed sleepily, happily.

  ‘Goodnight, Nancy. Goodnight, Uncle Logan. See you tomorrow.’ Logan went through the door first and when Nancy closed it behind her he turned on her suddenly and said,

  ‘I don’t see why Neil should do all the kissing.’

  Before his words really penetrated her understanding he pushed her against the wall and kissed her roughly. To Nancy’s annoyance with herself her body quivered at his touch and she experienced a strong inclination to respond by holding him close and returning the kiss, but exerting all her will power, she pushed him away and said in a loud whisper,

  ‘What do you think you’re doing?’

  ‘Behaving like a child,’ he retorted wickedly. ‘Now you kiss me.’

  More disturbed than she cared to reveal, Nancy said loudly and clearly,

  “No!’

  She hoped he would move aside and let her pass, but he didn’t move.

  ‘Why not?’ he asked.

  ‘Because you’re not a child,’ she flashed, recovering slightly.

  He laughed appreciatively and to her relief turned and went down the stairs. Nancy followed, slowly conscious that her heart was pounding loudly and her throat was dry. She had a great urge to run across the hall and out throu
gh the front door and down the drive; to run away before it was too late. But Don and Linda would think she was crazy if she did such a thing, so she swallowed hard and went into the lounge where she expected to find them with Logan.

  The beautiful high-ceilinged room was full of rose-coloured light which slanted in through the window from the sunset. Logan was the only person in the room. He was standing by a low table and the light glinted on the glass he was holding in one hand and struck bubbles of colour from the facets of the cut-glass decanter which he was holding with the other.

  ‘Will you have a drink?’ he offered politely.

  ‘No, thank you,’ answered Nancy, equally polite. ‘Where are Don and Linda?’

  He finished pouring liquor into the glass, placed the decanter on the table and replaced its stopper before answering her.

  ‘I was telling them about the dance in the village hall tonight and they decided they wanted to go to it. All Lanmore will be there, including Mrs. MacFadyen.’

  Disconcerted by his reply, Nancy, could only stare at him as he sipped from the glass, apparently quite unconcerned. Don and Linda had gone without her, without even consulting her, without bothering to find out if she would have liked to have gone too.

  It was then that she noticed the silence of the house, the lack of human sound and movement. All Lanmore was at the dance, including the staff from Lanmore Lodge. All Lanmore except herself and Logan.

  ‘I must go,’ she said urgently. Then realising that she must sound rather rude she added by way of explanation, ‘Linda shouldn’t have gone without me. She’s too young.’

  ‘She’s with Don. He’ll look after her. She’ll enjoy it,’ he replied smoothly.

  ‘Oh, you don’t understand. He has no control over her. She’s never been to a dance before. She won’t know how to behave.’

  ‘Then it will be a good opportunity for her to learn,’ he remarked seriously. He put down his half-empty glass on the table and came to stand in front of her. ‘What are you trying to do to her? Inhibit her, so that when she grows up she’ll be incapable of behaving normally? Just because you did not have a normal adolescence why deny it to her?’

  The unexpectedness of his scathing attack had a peculiar effect on Nancy. She remembered the struggle she had with Linda during the past five years and the efforts she had made to curb her own natural high spirits in order to set a good example to her younger sister, and she had a sudden desire to burst into tears. Instead she sought refuge behind a stinging retort.

  ‘You seem very interested in Linda. It’s a wonder you haven’t taken her to the dance yourself. Perhaps you’d like to go now—I’m quite willing to baby-sit!’

  She could tell by the corner of his mouth turned down and the way his eyebrows met above the bridge of his nose in a frown that she had landed a blow and she prepared to face his anger. But as usual his reaction was different from what she had expected.

  ‘That was unworthy of you, Nancy,’ he rebuked her quietly. ‘Sour grapes. Could it be that you’re resentful because Linda is having the fun you would like for yourself?’

  ‘That’s not true. I don’t resent Linda,’ blurted Nancy as he touched a tender spot. And this time the tears would not be held back. She was not sure really why she wanted to cry. It had something to do with Logan thinking so badly of her. He would think even worse of her if she broke down and wept. But she couldn’t help it.

  ‘Oh, you don’t understand,’ she wailed, and burst into tears.

  She wasn’t quite sure how it happened, but she found herself sitting on the settee and she was crying into Logan’s shoulder; hot wet tears and body-shaking sobs which brought miraculous relief. She hadn’t cried since she was a little girl. There had often been times when she had wanted to, but pride had always kept her going; the fierce Allan pride which Logan had condemned at their second meeting. Now, here in his house, with her head against his shoulder and his arm around her, her pride was in ribbons and she must apologise.

  She raised her head and said through her nose which was still blocked with tears,

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  The rose-coloured glow was fading and the room was full of blue shadows. A single lamp which must have been lit when she entered the room, but which she noticed now for the first time, shed a yellow light in one corner.

  ‘Why apologise for behaving in a perfectly normal way, even if you have soaked my shirt collar? I should be the one to apologise for taunting you. I understand much better than you think ... but you have to admit that though you’re able to cope satisfactorily with the kindergarten stage, when it comes to dealing with an adolescent girl you’re hopeless. You have to let Linda go and do things on her own so that she’ll learn. If you shelter her too much she’ll make the most disastrous mistakes when she’s older.’

  ‘But she’s so impetuous and ... and stubborn.’

  ‘So are you ... particularly the latter,’ he responded dryly. ‘Rushing into marriage with the only man who’s ever proposed to you!’

  Nancy giggled suddenly.

  ‘It’s not exactly a rush affair. I’ve known Rod for three years and I promised two years ago that I would marry him,’ she said.

  Logan groaned.

  ‘It’s worse than I was thinking, then,’ he murmured. His hand moved up to her shoulder and he pulled her back against him again. Nancy lay quietly, almost exhaustedly, thinking how natural it seemed to lie there. His shoulder was flat and hard under her cheek and his hand was warm on her bare arm. His breathing was quiet and regular. Quiet, polite Logan who sometimes forgot to be polite and said what he thought with devastating effect.

  ‘Why is it worse than you’d thought?’ she asked. ‘What’s wrong with me marrying Rod?’

  ‘It’s worse because it’s obvious that you’ve accepted marriage to him as a fait accompli for two years. You’ve never attempted to compare him with anyone else. How do you know he’s right for you if you’ve never known anyone else?’

  ‘When you meet him you’ll realise...’ she started to explain, but he interrupted her roughly.

  ‘I don’t need to meet him. I can guess. He’s tall and handsome and keeps to the straight and narrow, and he’s never made love to you.’

  Rather disturbed by the roughness of his speech, Nancy tried to sit up again, but his arm tightened around her and she was unable to move.

  ‘You’re quite right about him being tall, and he is quite handsome,’ she admitted. ‘He’s very highly thought of at his work, but I don’t know why you think he’s never made love to me. He kisses me every time we meet and when we part.’

  Logan snorted scornfully.

  ‘That isn’t exactly what I meant,’ he said. ‘Have you ever sat with him like this ... and has he ever kissed you like this?’

  He put a hand under her chin, tilted her face upwards and kissed her.

  Nancy’s eyes closed. She was sinking down into an underworld filled with rose-tinted green light. It was pleasant to let herself sink, but dangerous too because she might drown.

  Quickly she opened her eyes as Logan raised his head.

  ’I must go and find Lin,’ she said desperately, using the first excuse which came into her head, trying to pull away from him.

  ‘Cluck, cluck, little hen,’ he mocked. ‘Your chicken will be all right.’

  ‘Please let me go,’ she urged.

  ‘As you wish.’ Even the polite answer seem to mock her as he released her. “Now tell me what’s wrong. Why the sudden panic?’

  Once free she stood up quickly, smoothing down her skirt and straightening her ruffled hair.

  ‘I’m waiting, Nancy Allan, for you to tell me what’s wrong,’ persisted Logan.

  ‘I ... I think you’re playing some sort of game and I don’t like it,’ she replied. ‘And I don’t know the rules.’

  There was laughter in his voice as he answered,

  ‘I could teach them to you.’

  ’I’ve decided I don’t want to learn them
, thank you. I have my own rules and one of them is this ... I don’t let another man make love to me when I’m engaged to be married.’

  ‘I hadn’t noticed that you offered much opposition,’ he remarked. Nancy’s face flamed and he had the grace to apologise immediately. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.’

  ‘You took advantage of me,’ she accused.

  ‘In what way?’

  ‘First you made me cry, and then...’

  ‘Has the respectable Rod ever seen you cry?’ he challenged.

  ‘No. But I don’t see what that has to do with...’

  ‘He’s going to get a shock, then, when after a couple of weeks or perhaps even after only a couple of nights of marriage you treat him to a wholly feminine display of tears, as you will. It’s inevitable. Women always weep when criticised or when they can’t get their own way.’

  ‘For a bachelor you seem to be very knowledgeable about women,’ she sniped back.

  For answer he gave her one of his cool stares and then rising to his feet he asked politely,

  ‘Where would you like me to drive you? To the cottage or to the dance?’

  For a moment Nancy stared at him, not knowing what to say. The change in his manner was bewildering. When bewilderment had passed she recognised his smooth polite offer for what it was. With his usual impeccable courtesy he had suggested to her that she was not welcome any more, that he would like her to leave.

  The cottage would be lonely without Linda and Don, so she would be better going to the dance. But first her pride had to step in.

  ‘There’s no need for you to drive me,’ she replied coolly. ‘I can walk. Anyway, you’re baby-sitting Neil.’

  He glanced at her feet. She was wearing high-heeled shoes.

  ‘You can’t walk in those shoes. Neil will be all right for the few minutes it will take me to drive you. But first of all you must decide on your destination.’

  Never had she known anyone who could be so polite and yet so insolent. But why the sudden change in manner? Why had he withdrawn? A few minutes ago they had been talking as good friends might talk. But that had been before he had kissed her.