If Love Be Love Page 18

  They stopped at the cottage and he got out of the car to open the door for her. For a moment they stood together and looked out at the smooth water and the dark mountains.

  ‘I expect this place is entirely different in winter. It must be bleak and lonely,’ observed Rod. ‘And I should guess that when winter comes Maclaine departs for warmer climates, and that his tenants and employees see nothing of him.’

  When winter comes. Only yesterday morning Logan had started a sentence with those words. He hadn’t finished the sentence, and now she would never know what he had meant to say.

  CHAPTER SIX

  Midnight was not the best time to take stock of a situation, thought Nancy ruefully as she lay in bed and deliberately reviewed all that had happened since she had come to Lanmore. Every incident became blown up, exaggerated possibly beyond its importance. Every emotion experienced became more deeply felt, more intense.

  But she had to take stock some time in order to reach some conclusion about her own feelings, so she calmly went over every meeting, she had had with Logan, trying to be as objective as possible. Then she tried to assess her emotions, and this was where doubt stepped in again.

  Whom did she love? Rod, whom she had known for three years, or Logan whom she had known for only a few months? Common sense asserted that it should be Rod. It wasn’t sensible to discard a person she had known for a long time in favour of someone else she had just met, especially when that someone was considering marriage with another woman.

  Yet did she really know Rod? Hadn’t his stay in Lanmore, a place where people were still very dependent on each other for company and entertainment, revealed faults in his character she had not known before? Could she accept those faults and still love him? Or would they irritate her more and more after they were married? Were she and Rod incompatible as Logan had suggested?

  Nancy puzzled until her head ached and she had to get up and take some aspirin. On the way back to bed she paused by the window and looked out. Stars still twinkled in the sky. The sea gleamed faintly. The scents of the garden rose upwards and tantalised her nose. All was quiet and it was difficult to imagine that places like Dulthorpe, through which heavy traffic rumbled all night, existed. In a few weeks she would be back there and her summer at Lanmore would be no more than an episode which she would remember occasionally. That was the only way to think of it sensibly. It had been an episode in her life when she had been bewitched by the romantic Highland atmosphere and for a short while had imagined herself to be in love with Logan Maclaine.

  Having reached a conclusion Nancy went back to bed and went to sleep. The next morning was fresh and cool and she felt calm and practical as she made breakfast for herself and Don after they had milked the cows.

  She told him of the evening out at Port Ban and mentioned that Rod would be leaving that morning.

  ‘You could go with him if you want,’ said Don. ‘I can manage here now.’

  ‘No, I shall stay until the end of the month as we arranged. It would be too much of a rush to leave to-day, there’s too much to pack. Anyway, he doesn’t want me to go back with him.’

  ‘You’re talking just like he does,’ Don scoffed. ‘Cut and dried, nothing left to chance. I bet he’s never been late for work or for anything else in his life. He doesn’t like it here, does he?’

  Nancy shook her head.

  ‘I thought not. The pace is too easy for him, and people behave as if they’re human beings and not like machines. They have feelings, and that’s something Mr. Computer can’t understand. Emotions can’t be programmed.’ Don remarked jibingly.

  ‘Oh, Don ... that’s unkind. Rod isn’t as bad as that,’ Nancy exclaimed.

  ‘He’s not far short of being like that, which makes me worry about you. Do you think you’re going to stand his way of life after being here?’

  ‘I’ve promised to marry him,’ replied Nancy with dignity, ‘and I don’t break promises.’

  ‘That’s what I’m afraid of,’ murmured Don. ‘Even if you did experience a change of feeling you wouldn’t let on ... your pride wouldn’t let you. Look, Nan, you don’t have to marry him. You can stay here. I know I said the other day that there wasn’t any room for anyone else to Jive on the croft ... that was for Lin’s benefit. But if it’s a case of marrying Rod because you feel you have to ... oh, darn it, I’m getting all mixed up ... because you feel you have nowhere else to go...’

  Nancy smiled at him and went to his rescue.

  ‘It’s nice of you, Don. I know what you mean. I can assure you I’m not marrying Rod because I have nowhere else to go. I can always go back to Aunt Win and work at Selby and Green’s again. No, I’ll stay with you as we arranged. By then the summer will be almost over here and I’ll probably be dying to get back to the hustle and bustle of Dulthorpe.’

  ‘Well, rather you than me,’ grinned Don. ‘I’ve escaped and nothing would make me go back.’

  ‘Coming here was right for you, wasn’t it?’ said Nancy, glad that she could divert him from further discussion of herself.

  ‘Perfect,’ he conceded. ‘I can’t understand why Dad ever left the place.’

  ‘Circumstances must have been different for him. He had to live here with his father ... and remember that Grandfather was strict and possibly a little mean. You have no restrictions like that. You’re master in your own house here. Dad had to go away to achieve his independence and to be free.’

  Don shook his head slowly, disbelievingly.

  ‘I’ll never understand. For me freedom will always be where I work out of doors close to nature, amongst simple people. It will never be in the city tied to an industry. If I hadn’t had this chance, Nan, I’d have been in trouble ... bad trouble. You know that, don’t you?’

  ‘Yes, Don, I know. That’s why I’m so glad it’s worked out well for you.’

  Rod’s leave-taking was as brusque and as businesslike as his arrival had been. As she watched his car disappear over the bridge Nancy touched her mouth which he had kissed briefly before leaving. He hadn’t made love to her once during the whole time he had stayed on Lanmore. At one time she would not have found the thought strange, but now she wondered.

  She walked slowly through the garden. Another strange thought followed the first. She wasn’t sorry Rod had gone, in fact she was relieved. He had been the stranger here. He had not fitted in. He had disturbed and detracted from the way of life she had made for herself here.

  Now that he had gone she could take her time again. She could stand and stare at the sea, at the mountains for as long as she liked without being told she was wasting time. She would be able to sit on the bench in the sunshine and listen to the bees and the birds.

  Almost defiantly Nancy sat down on the bench, easing her back against the sun-warmed wall. She closed her eyes and relaxed. But relaxation did not last for long. It was impossible, she realised, to sit on the bench for long without wishing that Logan was beside her teasing her in his quiet way or sitting in silence sharing the quiet world of the garden.

  She must accept the fact that the moments of sharing with Logan were over. Last night he and Anya must have come to an agreement just as she and Rod had. The romantic episode was over for both of them. It had finished with hard hot words between Logan and herself, words with which they had hurt each other. Nancy could not help but feel sad that it had ended that way, yet it was probably for the best.

  Linda seemed determined to make the most of the last two weeks she would spend on Lanmore. Since her trip to Skye she had been much easier to deal with and Nancy could only conclude that Logan had been right yet again when he had suggested she would have less trouble with Linda if she allowed her a little freer rein. So when her sister asked if she could go visiting at a croft the other side of Lanmore where one of her new friends lived or if she could go fishing with Malcolm Macrae, eldest son of Duncan Macrae of the petrol garage at Glenarg, Nancy always agreed provided Linda made her bed or helped with the dishes or the feeding of t
he hens before she went. The result was a much sweeter-tempered Linda who did her chores willingly and even did a little extra without being asked.

  She had just left the house on an errand to the village one morning two days after Rod’s departure and Nancy was just putting on her Wellington boots to go and round up some sheep for Don when she noticed the blue estate car from the lodge stop outside the cottage. The garden gate opened and Anya, dressed as usual with expensive extravagance, came up the path. She was alone.

  ‘I wasn’t sure whether you were still here,’ she said when Nancy opened the door to her knock. ‘Logan told me that you were leaving with Rod the day after our outing to Port Ban. Then I thought I saw your sister yesterday ... at least Neil said it was your sister when we passed her near the ferry.’

  ‘Please come in,’ invited Nancy politely.

  ‘No, thank you. As a matter of fact I’m in rather a rush. We’re leaving for London in about an hour and we can’t find Neil. Knowing his fondness for you I wondered if he had come down here to say goodbye to you.’

  They were leaving for London. Had Logan capitulated, then? Had Anya won her point? A stab of disappointment thrust through Nancy. She had not thought Logan would have given in so easily. But of course, as Stan had remarked, Anya had a big pull in the person of Neil.

  ‘I haven’t seen Neil since Sunday,’ she replied. ‘He isn’t here.’

  Anya looked thoroughly exasperated.

  ‘Oh, the little devil,’ she sighed wearily. ‘He’s been terribly trying the last few days. He must be hiding in the house somewhere. When are you leaving Lanmore?’

  ‘Not until the end of the month. Rod and I decided it wasn’t necessary for me to go back with him.’

  ‘But you and he are still engaged to be married, I hope,’ asked Anya. ‘You haven’t changed your minds?’

  ‘Oh, no.’

  ‘I’m so glad.’ The sultry voice was sticky with pretended gladness. ‘I had a feeling the other night when we went to the pub that you and he were not quite hitting it off. Then you disappeared and someone said they had seen you go out with Logan, and Rod was anxious. But all’s well that end’s well. I’m sure you’ll be very happy together. I think you are admirably suited to each other.’

  ‘Thank you,’ said Nancy distantly, and then had to ask a question. ‘Is Logan taking you to London?’

  Anya sighed again and looked desolated.

  ‘No, worse luck. He’s busy here just now, or so he says. It will soon be harvest time, and he wants to be here, although I’m convinced they could manage perfectly well without him. But he’ll follow, have no fear, because I’ll have Neil with me. I’d have stayed longer and waited for him, but I’ve been offered a part in a new play. It’s a chance to get back into the theatre, the chance I’ve been looking for, so I daren’t pass it up, no matter what Logan says.’

  ‘Doesn’t he want you to go back to the stage?’

  ‘Well, you know how he is about this place. But as long as I have Neil, he’ll come and he’ll continue to pay the rent of the apartment.’

  ‘Poor Neil,’ murmured Nancy.

  ‘Why do you say that?’

  ‘You are using him as a pawn. No wonder he’s a bundle of nerves. He’s just settled here and you’re going to snatch him away again. And I suppose Logan will follow you and try to bring him back here and it will go on until one of you has the grace to give in.’

  Anya’s magnificent eyes flashed with an anger which was quite sincere.

  ‘You have no right,’ she growled, her guttural voice several notes lower than usual.

  ‘No, I haven’t. I’ve no right at all,’ agreed Nancy. ‘I shouldn’t have said what I did. I hope you find Neil. Please say goodbye to him for me.’

  She went back into the house and closed the door and leaned against it. She discovered that she was shaking. She had spoken her mind on the subject of Neil to the person who should have had his welfare close to her heart. She hoped a little of what she had said had gone home and would have some result.

  The problem of Neil stayed with Nancy all day, nibbling at her peace of mind. She kept thinking of his wide appealing grey eyes, of the mischief which often bubbled up from within him, of the way he loved to play up to an audience. He was no concern of hers, but the fact that he had hidden when his mother was about to take him away from Lanmore to London meant only one thing to Nancy. Neil had not wanted to go.

  It was grocery day and the travelling shop called as usual in the afternoon stopping outside Miss Macrae’s house. Its blaring horn warned everyone on the crofts that it had arrived. Linda went with Nancy to choose the food they required and as usual the whole business became a social occasion when they met the other crofters and passed on the gossip.

  As they returned to the cottage with their box of purchases Nancy noticed a movement amongst the bushes at the end of the garden. Through the dark greenery she thought she detected the gleam of blond hair, then she decided it was a trick of her imagination. She had Neil on her mind so much that she was seeing him in the places where he had liked to play hide and seek.

  She went into the house and put her box down and went outside again. There was no sign of blond hair by the bushes, but it seemed as if one of them was moving slightly.

  ‘Neil!’ she called, feeling rather foolish. ‘Neil! Are you there? There’s no need to be frightened. You can come out.’

  Nothing happened. Practical Nancy ridiculed imaginative Nancy.

  ‘Don’t be silly. It’s the Highland atmosphere playing tricks again. Go back into the house and start making that tart you promised Don for his supper,’ she said to herself.

  The bush moved again and the sunlight glinted on fair hair. This time she did not call out but went straight to the bushes. Grey eyes solemn under a fall of blond hair stared back at her out of a wedge-shaped face.

  ‘I didn’t want to go back to London with Mummy, so I ran away,’ blurted Neil.

  Nancy put out her hand. Without hesitation he put his in it and she drew him out from behind the bushes.

  ‘That was a very naughty thing to do, Neil. Your mother must be very worried,’ she admonished him.

  His face crumpled and tears welled in his eyes.

  ‘She’s gone,’ he cried. ‘I hid in the woods near the house and watched her go. I didn’t want to go to London, I want to stay here. Uncle Logan said I could. He said I could go to school here like my daddy did.’

  Nancy felt bewildered. There was more to what he had said than he was able to explain. He might have sufficient inherent independence of spirit to take action on his own behalf, but to explain what had driven him to that action was beyond his powers. At the moment she could see that all he required was comfort. The way in which he had put his hand in hers showed how much he trusted her plus the fact that he was here in the garden, and she must not betray that trust.

  ‘Shall we go into the house and have some milk and biscuits?’ she said. ‘I’ve some new ones from the grocer. Linda will soon be here and I expect she’ll play with you or read a story to you.’

  He smiled joyfully and she knew she had said what he wanted to hear. They went into the kitchen where he helped her to put the groceries away and had his milk and biscuits. By the time that was done Linda was back. Nancy explained briefly to her what had happened. Linda listened with wide eyes, but when she would have questioned Nancy in her usual forthright fashion Nancy cut her short with, ‘Don’t ask questions now, there’s a love, because I can’t answer them. The main thing is to keep him happy. Take him out to play with him and I’ll telephone the Lodge.’ Linda obeyed and within a few minutes Nancy was talking to Mrs. MacFadyen, who informed her that Mr. Maclaine was away for the day to Oban with Mr. Black and that Mrs. Maclaine had left for London.

  ‘She took Master Neil with her, miss. She said there had been a change in the arrangements, whatever, and that he was to go with her.’

  ‘I’m afraid he didn’t go with her after all, Mrs. MacFadyen
,’ explained Nancy. ‘He ran away and he’s here with me.’

  ‘Och, ye’re never saying so, miss,’ Mrs. MacFadyen sounded thoroughly flustered. ‘His mother never said a word about him being missing. Och, whatever will Himself be saying to me? You’d better send him back here at once.’

  Nancy thought of Neil’s troubled grey eyes. Mrs. MacFadyen in her state of anxiety about Logan’s reaction did not sound the best person for the child to be with.

  ‘I think it would be better if he stayed here until his uncle is back and can come to get him,’ she said decisively. ‘I’ll give him his tea. Now be sure to tell Mr. Maclaine where Neil is and to say that he has come to no harm.’

  ‘I’ll be doing that, miss, but it may be late when he comes.’

  ‘That will be all right. No matter how late it is tell him to come and fetch Neil.’

  ‘Och, I will. Whatever will Himself be saying?’

  Nancy cut Mrs. MacFadyen’s complaint off with a curt good afternoon and thought to herself grimly, It’s what I will be saying to Himself that matters.

  It was later than she had expected when Logan came. Neil, his good spirits restored had enjoyed a hilarious bathtime with Linda and had gone to bed in Don’s room quite happily. After fishing in the loch for an hour Linda and Don had returned with their catch and Don was cleaning the fish in preparation for the next day’s breakfast when they all heard the roar of a car’s engine being revved before the ignition was turned off.

  ‘Logan!’ exclaimed Linda, jumping to her feet.

  ‘Sit down,’ ordered Nancy crisply. ‘I want to speak to him alone.’ She reached the porch door before he was able to knock and walk in, and surprised him with his hand already raised to knock. The sight of him disturbed her as usual and she lost her initial advantage as she struggled to control the feeling of delight which surged through her.

  ‘I received your message,’ he said coolly. ‘Neil is here?’